High Sticking Cinema

Not much going on this week to write about, so here is a movie review I did for a hockey website.

Everyone is well aware of the good hockey movies, Slap Shot, Miracles, and yes, even The Mighty Ducks. But then there are those other hockey movies. The ones the haunt your dreams and make you question how much you really love the game. Movies so bad you feel awkward for the people starring in them. Well, have no fear, that’s where I come in. I have decided to sit and watch these cinematic abominations so that you do not have to. I will test the boundaries of the human capacity for torture by reviewing each of these in the hopes that you never have to. So, without further ado, I present to you,

High Sticking Cinema
The Very Worst Hockey Movies
By Joshua Coughlin

National Lampoon’s Pucked

The following men had a great impact on my life growing up in the 1980’s. Curtis Armstrong, better known as “Booger” in Revenge of the Nerds, David Faustino a.k.a. “Bud Bundy” from Married with Children, Cary Elwes, “The Dread Pirate Roberts” in The Princess Bride & the man himself, Mr. Slippery When Wet, Jon Bon Jovi. Flash forward to 2009. They came together to star in a movie about hockey. Sounds great doesn’t it? A modernized Slap Shot-esque film. With a mixture of machismo and comedy it was sure to be a hit. Well, I can assure you with every ounce of my being it is far from a hit.

The first warning sign was the fact that it is a National Lampoon’s production. The once proud production company that brought us classics like Animal House and Vacation now churn out painful direct to DVD movies starring bottom of the barrel, past there prime celebrities. But hey, it’s a hockey movie so its worth a watch right? Right?

Wrong.

Well, let’s go over the main characters. Let’s see; handsome, lovable, loser who has multiple failing business ventures, check. Bitchy older sister who belittles him while also enabling him by allowing him to live in her garage, check. Goofy best friend who warns against going to far but encourages him to push it at the same time, check. And of course the ex-girlfriend dating the bad guy who eventually falls back in love with said loser, therefore forcing more emphasis when good guy and bad guy square off, double check.

Okay, how about the story? Looks like someone read “How to Write a Comedy ”. The plot is so formulaic its sad. So, Frank, a tired looking Bon Jovi has no girlfriend, no job, no money, nothing. While buying a “Butt Warmer” for his mother (Humor!) he fills out a questionnaire and under income, writes that he makes one million dollars. Guess what? That wasn’t a questionnaire, but a credit card application and he receives a credit card. And then another comes and another. Frank then remembers seeing his ex slip on some ice and hit a crab cake with a spoon. This brings him inspiration and he decides to start The WWWHL; The World Wide Women’s Hockey League. Apparently in the film women don’t play hockey. At all. Which is shown by everyone gasping and proclaiming “Women? Hockey?” And even though women don’t play hockey in this world, a ton of women show up to try out. And better yet they are all great skaters, naturals with a stick, oh and super hot with large breasts (except for one, but we‘ll get to her later). Did this guy luck out or what? So everything’s going great. And the more money he spends the more credit cards he receives until we find out he has maxed out 208 credit cards for a total of $329,000.69. (see what they did there? 69, get it?) We find this out because the evil credit card company president want to prosecute him for fraud because Frank dwarfed tossed him into a punch bowl (we will get back to this as well). Our hero successfully pleads his case and is found not guilty because the company also gave cards to among other, a dog, a baby, a Tibetan Monk and a donkey. But he still owes all that money and can’t continue the league. Until Elvis, the bum reveals he owns the bank and is a millionaire and pays his debt off (I swear I’ll get to this) Everybody cheers and the movie ends. I cheer too.

Now let’s discuss the “comedy” in the movie. There are a few recurring themes with characters. First in a scene where Frank is a waiter, he spills some food on a midget. He then chokes the little person and throws him in a punch bowl. Why? Because midgets are instant comedy gold. Next we have Elvis. Elvis is a filthy hobo who lives in the run down arena Frank buys and he’s just so wacky Frank lets him stay. Elvis wears a gold suit, washes his clothes in a hot tub while he’s still wearing them and is banging a few of the hockey gals. But as I said earlier he reveals he owns not only the ice rink Frank is renting but also the bank across the street. What a twist! Did M. Night Shamalyan write this under a different name? Curtis Armstrong plays a janitor who is being told the story of the film, he basically ogles the women in the movie and little else. The hilarious group of characters is rounded out by Wendy, the token butch female hockey player. Her comedic escapades include super gluing a tooth back in place, eating a lot of chicken wings and I kid you not, attempted rape on Bud Bundy.

All in all it’s not the worst movie ever made. Incredibly enough, it’s not even the worst hockey movie ever made. It does have a few redeeming qualities, the movie is chock full of eye candy, nothing sexier than beautiful women playing hockey eh? Plus there are a few decent topless scenes and I’ll admit I did laugh a few times. Whether it was due to the script or the bad acting is irrelevant. I would suggest this movie if you are looking to have a beer/bad movie night. You will be sufficiently entertained, even more so if you start with the beer.